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Justin "JDOG" Co-hosted VH1's The Pickup Artist


"JDOG" Co-Hosted VH1's
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You are here: Home / Blog / Losing my connection.. can you feel me now?

Losing my connection.. can you feel me now?

August 12, 2008 By Justin "JDOG" 19 Comments

Making a real connection

Making a real connection

I find myself on a train heading from Leeds to London, encapsulated in my own world via the perfect pairing of Shure noise isolating headphones, and iPhone. It’s been four years since I was last in my home country, and this has been an interesting trip. First off I had the most amazing teaching experience, when teaching and coaching with Dr. Paul Dobransky in London.

– Countryside blurs past the window to the soundtrack of U2. –

I just pulled out my copy of “Social Intelligence,” by Daniel Goleman. A must read for everyone by the way! This book is profound. It breaks down processes in the brain that, in some form or fashion, I’ve been teaching about for years. The more of it I read the better it gets. I will talk more about this book later.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how everyone seems to be teaching social skills these days, but very few of them teach men how to really be men. Where is the bootcamp on how to develop emotional maturity, or provide any kind of process to really connect with people in a genuine and honest way? It’s as if the seduction community is breeding a generation of used-car-salesman-seducers, or Salesman Seducers, or SADucers for short.. hmmm I like that, SADusers!

While I whole-heartedly agree that the outward social skills need to be taught, there is a strong need for a shift in focus to address the underlying causes of what makes some men lack confidence with women, and also what makes these ‘nice guys’ extremely poor boyfriend material. Perhaps I’m stretching here, but maybe.. just maybe.. some of these guys should be getting a teensy bit of advice on how to remedy their actual problems. Nah, I’m just having a moment of craziness.

Picking up women is a skill set; picking up women in a club is a very specific skill. Manipulating women into bed, a skill. Keeping quality women in your life, and mutually enjoying such relationships requires some personal growth. Becoming the man that women find naturally attractive, and being someone that they find themselves wanting to be around, is more about emotional growth in my opinion than anything else.

For want of a better term I’m going to suggest that people who focus purely on the external skills, as ‘masking’ their issues with women. Salesman Seducers are learning a skill set that simply masks their insecurities, and for some they can attract women that way. Can anyone else hear whispers of, “…buyer’s remorse… low self esteem… remorse..” somewhere in the back of their mind? No, yes, maybe? Hmm, perhaps it’s just me.

Do you think that such maskers are truly happy with themselves? Do they truly have high self-esteem? Do they have the emotional maturity to be able to connect with women on anything less than a superficial level?

Now you may be wondering if all JDOG’s going to do is rant, and perhaps you’re even saying to yourself, “hey JDOG teach me something already!” Which leads me back to talking about some elements of Daniel Goleman’s book, specifically, empathic communication.

Formula To Why Girls Flake

Formula To Why Girls Flake

One serious problem I see with many of the guys chatting on message boards, and sarging with their lair counterparts is that they run game ‘at’ women. They are often not really present in the moment, with a genuine interest in getting to know her. Somewhere along the way, practicing relentlessly with their training wheels, they lost the plot.

With that in mind what I am about to share with you will undoubtedly help you become extremely attractive to the opposite sex. First some assumptions, yes I’m still an engineer at heart, and anything to be proven or tested scientifically has a set of assumptions in order for the argument to completely make sense.

1) If you are only interested in one night stands, then this most likely doesn’t apply to you, and if that is where your level of emotional maturity is at it’s absolutely fine. There is no judgment here on my part… ok maybe a little (grin.)

2) The game, so to speak, is won in comfort. You may have already heard this phrase. Well I personally think that this is where most of your effort should be placed. Granted you need to be able to ignite some initial attraction. God knows I spent far too long running high octane attraction game, opening every group of people several nights a week, for what seemed like an eternal night club stage show ala JDOG. Several shows a night, guaranteed to make you laugh, and service with a smile.. every time. Hoo-Ah!

3) The lady that you are interested in must feel some level of attraction for you, or intrigue, or interest in you BEFORE things progress into comfort. If this isn’t yet happening you still have some refining to do on your communication, amongst perhaps some other things. However, unless you fall into the one nightstand interest group (see assumption #1) then what I‘m about to teach you still applies.

4) Extremes are usually a bad thing. Please make no mistake here, I am certainly not suggesting that we all get so in touch with each other’s emotions that we behave like a bunch of women.. no offence intended to our female readers J.

Now, with the assumptions understood let’s continue. I see too many guys stuck in a never-ending cycle of trying to improve their attraction game, when they are already generating attraction. They fall short by never actually connecting with the girl in comfort. Dr. Paul calls this phase ‘friendship’ and perhaps that is a more appropriate term.

I certainly share a friendship with the women that I have sexual relationships with. Sure, sexual, intimate, and sometimes short-term friends maybe, but it is a friendship non-the-less.

Attraction usually takes place rather quickly, say during; an initial impression, first 10 minutes, first 30 minutes perhaps? Rarely is it a long drawn out epic-movie-type process that goes on for days, or weeks, months, or years. The real time spent together is AFTER she realizes that she is attracted to you in some way.

So what happens if you find yourself hanging out with the girl of your dreams? She was into you initially, and then it just seems like you are constantly fumbling around with ‘comfort routines’ and question games, and such, but there is an emptiness between you. A void. An emotional, and almost physical void. You feel it, and she certainly feels it.

I will tell you what happens next. She loses attraction. She loses interest. She doesn’t want to sleep with you. She doesn’t want to date you, and most likely she doesn’t need nor want to even see you again! Does that sound familiar?

Now, let’s run this scenario over again. Only this time we connect, we share ideas, emotions, and thoughts. This time you break away from the script, and actually have a genuine interest in her, and by that I don’t mean you sincerely like her boobs, although that does help. Emotions are exchanged whereby you experience and understand what it’s like to be her to some extent, and vice versa, all the while maintaining that sexual teasing, and playfulness. Do you understand the difference? Hello… can you feel me now?

We shouldn’t need a reference guide of neurological brain science to understand this. It’s just how our brains work. We want to be around people that are able to share their emotions with us in a healthy way, and people that make us feel good. We especially enjoy the company of those who are able to understand us, and experience our own emotions with us. We need something a little deeper than an initial feeling of attraction, which is actually pretty transient in the bigger scheme of things. We need something more substantial such as; comfort, friendship, trust, and understanding.

Shouldn’t she be thinking, “This guy gets me.. there’s something about him.. I felt like we’d known each for years… we had so much to talk about.. we..” She takes a breath, “We just had this chemistry.” She breathes out. I think she would remember you then. I know she would tell her friends about you, and when a girl talks about a guy in those terms her friends support her decisions.

Since the fairly recent discovery of Mirror Neurons in monkeys there has been much research into empathic neural circuitries. Studies have shown (now I sound like a commercial) that when observing another person’s emotional state that same emotion is activated within ourselves. There is a neural mechanism that maps what others are feeling onto our own nervous system. Read that last sentence again, it’s profound!

Now I’m just guessing here, but perhaps running game ‘at’ your ‘target’ past the first few minutes actually prevents this empathic communication from taking place. Which in turn limits your chances of getting to know each other, and reduces your chances of ever seeing each other again. Now that’s sad. Of course if you want women to think of you as false, shallow, manipulative, or insincere then by all means follow the path of the SADuser.

Are you a SADuser?

Are you a SADuser? 

A glub monotone announcement bursts through the speaker system, “Attention to all the SADucers on this ride, we are arriving at your destination… please depart, taking all of your personal belongings with you… you have arrived… at FLAKE TOWN… population… YOU!”

I used to hate it when a girl flaked. I would meet a girl that I liked, get her number, and possibly even setup a bridge to see her again. I would go home thinking about her, and I would be happy that I met this cute girl. I might even be impressed with myself at how well everything went, how I did everything right, and how this girl now likes me! Then I would get all excited about seeing her, call her up, and…and… wait for it… and she wouldn’t be the same girl on the phone.

Her energy would be low, she sounded uninterested, she didn’t know who I was, and asked who was calling. Perhaps she would rush me off the phone because she was at work, or driving somewhere, or just plain busy, or was lost in a cave being hunted by wolves, and her phone was about to cut ou.. CLICK! Other times I would just get voicemail, and never hear back, even after I left too many messages, haha. How did I feel? Deflated.. Worthless.. Sad.

Somewhere along the way something clicked for me, and I discovered what makes girls flake, or more accurately what to do differently so that they rarely flake on me. In my situation I was generating attraction, and at the point in time when I met the girl she was really into me. However, we never really connected in comfort, or in ‘friendship’ after that.

Her initial interest would fade rapidly. In the brief time that would transpire from meeting me, to hearing from me again she would undoubtedly meet other guys that she was equally or more attracted to. Those guys may have been funnier, better looking, wealthier, had better game, or been more memorable for other reasons. What lost me those women was the lack of any kind of real and genuine connection.

So if you find that women are often flaking on you, then you might want to develop your ability to connect and build comfort with her, and you should be doing that right after the initial flirtatious attraction has taken place.

If you want me to go into detail on how to move things along in comfort, with specific examples then please post comments. If there is enough interest then I may elaborate on this topic.

In this article I hope that you have learnt to stop SADucing, and now realize that attraction takes place quickly, while comfort and friendship is a longer process that requires you to be a genuine human being. For many people becoming the type of man that women love being around is a process that takes time. To minimise girls flaking on you, she actually needs to get to know you on a deeper level, then she will feel compelled to see you again.

It takes time to get this stuff, but it is well worth it, and my philosophy on life is that anything of value takes effort, and most often persistence. If you enjoyed this article then please visit me at www.askjdog.com where I post free video lessons, and answer questions. Cheers.. JDOG!

Filed Under: Blog, Comfort Tagged With: charisma, Comfort, emotional intelligence, flakes, natural

Comments

  1. Broman says

    December 20, 2008 at 4:07 am

    I can’t agree more. When i first got into the game i had less success with women than i ever had previously and it was for the exact reason you outlined in this article. When i would meet a girl i would ‘game’ but never really try and connect with her.

    Great post 🙂

    This should be like a prerequisite article for people just getting into the community. WARNING: You may lose all ability to be a genuine guy if you don’t haha!

    Reply
    • JDOG says

      December 20, 2008 at 9:38 am

      Exactly Broman.. to quote you “WARNING: You may lose all ability to be a genuine guy.” Originally the whole online community had good intentions about helping guys improve themselves to get a girlfriend.. Something changed along the way, and the focus shifted to manipulation, being fake, and creating false identities.

      I have listened to the same story over and over again from many many women. One of their guy friends, a boyfriend or ex-bf got into the pua thing, and now they just can’t bare to be around the guy as he has changed so much for the worse.

      Reply
  2. Selcuk says

    December 20, 2008 at 9:24 am

    Hi,
    Jdog thanks alot! really nice post
    I have this problem right now.. and im going to test it out tonight
    is their a special place here on this page where i can post my fieldrepport?

    peace

    Reply
    • JDOG says

      December 20, 2008 at 9:28 am

      Thanks Selcuk! I should have the discussion board up by Monday.. if it’s before then you can just post it here as another comment.

      Reply
  3. HellHound says

    December 20, 2008 at 5:48 pm

    Great pst J-Dog! I dont think there should be any comfort “routines” It’s about being yourself and getting to know her. But you can’t connect with everyone ofcourse.

    It would be great with a post on how to kill your damn AA 😛

    Cheeeeeerrs!

    Reply
  4. kbreeze says

    December 20, 2008 at 9:07 pm

    Great Point. I assume we’ll be going over the “remedy” some time in the future. Again, Great Food for thought.

    Reply
  5. surfer007 says

    December 22, 2008 at 11:35 am

    hey Jdog! Question, I had that problem with only focusing on attraction, so I chanced that…and here is the problem I get it the same women routine line whatever again.It goes like this on the day when I should meet them,they send me text message They cant meet because of something, but we will hear each other….and they dont contact me, so you have feeling you should them and we all know how that ends..I used that model on girls and works just fine hehe…here are two examples: 1 I met girl in club we get attraction like crazy comfort connection bla bla, we kissed the same night and it was like nothing before energy was like I put hand in electricity switcher I thought we are gonna fuck on the club floor..we spent that night 5-6 hours together in the club, it was new year kissing cuddling ,joking,she forget her friends I abought mine it was like we were couple for years..the they after I call her we speak on the phone for 2 hours and text after that, the next day again…And on the day we should meet, she t she flakes me..long story she is my current girlfriend now, but until I didint told her directly about her flakiness, she didint stop with it..and I had with her every possible step connection that is humanly possible..
    2.example I was emailing with some girl for 2 months, we were like in are relationship we would exchange 3-4 mails daily..and you have to have good connection with someone to do that..and I never met her in person because she was flake, and I insure I had every phase with her mystery and other and like human and friend..when she find out about my girlfriend, she stop emailing me like it was to painful for her and send my mariah carey song lyrics from I will always love you..and I couldn’t fucking see her in person and she loves me
    maybe this way are just women in croatia

    Reply
  6. Trane84 says

    December 30, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    Awesome post! I think it would be cool if you wrote more about Comfort building strategies. There are hundreds of articles out there about Attraction techniques, LMR tactics, Openers, etc. but relatively few about how to genuinely connect with somebody. And Comfort makes up the largest percentage of interactions!

    Reply
  7. Justin Wayne says

    February 25, 2009 at 11:12 pm

    Great post!

    I can totally relate to this. J DOG, please post some steps or a “Structure of Connection” .. like is it story tellling,, etc

    Reply
  8. Host says

    April 24, 2009 at 7:10 am

    Hey man im actually trying to get that connection with some girl i really like, i dont see her very often and i want to kiss her badly. I know routines, but it sometimes feels wrong. Should i be more predatory(aggressive) or its just a comfort issue (including kiss close)?

    Reply
  9. The Merchant says

    May 2, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    plz do make astep by step guide on comfort.:)

    Reply
  10. Derek says

    May 7, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    The problem with what these guys have turned into “social robots” or that they have turned for the worse…….alot of guys wish they had never learned about the game. Here is the rub…………you guys DO NOT MONITOR THE VIBE……….at the end of the VIBE if a girl sees you with a girl ( called pre-selection in community) their is a vibe she will feel from that. Your delivery, body language all release a vibe……….the whole game is about the vibe you release……..so next time you are feeling crazy which i know happened to me about the “game” check the VIBE monitor the vibe you are releasing you are dealing with a human being…….love like have never been hurt……..BE YOURSELF but now with improved social intelligence……….its all about the vibe you are sending, the vibe you have inside you ( hardest one to monitor) i would be super paranoid, and “DOGMATIC” i would do stuff because i heard it from LoveDROP or who ever i never asked my self…….what am i feeling what is she feeling and what is the vibe here. Is she not a human being? Don’t do PUA stuff because you learned it make sure the vibe is right. This takes alot of energy and is a major part of microcalibration. If you feel crazy because of the “game” you not alone……you are not a new person you are the same guy now……with more social inteligence thats it.

    Reply
  11. logic10 says

    August 5, 2009 at 3:32 am

    Such an insightful post JDog! I know it has been 7 months since the post. But thank you! Unfortunately, I learned the hard way…I lost a great girl due to not connecting with her! Actually, I lost 2! I was dating 2 wonderful girls and lost both of them due to not connecting with them on a deeper level.

    How I got these girls were strictly from attraction materials. We had a few days and they were always eager to text/call me or respond quickly to me. However, I lost them due to not connecting. I think a lot of people are confused on how to connect with a girl on a genuine level. Would you care to point me in the right direction for COMFORT game please? No routines, just the principal behind it.

    Thank you!
    Log

    Reply
  12. ASKJDOG says

    August 5, 2009 at 3:50 am

    Hey Log.. One thing that really made me feel uncomfortable when teaching bootcamps with most other trainers, was the lever of dishonesty and lack of real substance when it came to connecting with women. I'm going to hold off on recommending anything by anyone else until I've thought about it more. My intention here with this website is to explore these types of topics in far greater depth… comments such as yours remind me of how important it is. Cheers.. J!

    Reply
  13. ASKJDOG says

    August 5, 2009 at 3:57 am

    If you still read the website.. there are now several posts relating to Approach Anxiety, such as:

    Dealing With Approach Anxiety

    Having Leverage On Yourself

    I also recorded an audio awhile back for the newsletter members only, but I'm going to open that up, and add to it for everyone soon.

    Cheers.. J!

    Reply
  14. drurjen says

    August 9, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    There is so much to learn from this article. For the last months I've been relying too much on attraction material, that I have forgotten to connect on a deeper emotional level with a girl and tocomfort. Just yesterday I was on a date and decided to start building comfort instead of relying on memorised attraction routines. It worked out great! Thanks for such a wise post! Keep the good work.

    Reply
  15. ASKJDOG says

    August 9, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    Thanks Drurjen.. This article is one of my personal favorites.

    Reply
  16. iquanyin says

    August 27, 2009 at 1:43 am

    great article, and so very, very true. i'm a woman, and i've had a lot of relationships long and short, and jdog's right on this.

    also, the guy who mentioned the vibe: yes. absolutely. if it doesn't feel right, no one's gonna wanna keep doing it. whatever it is, in any area.

    iquanyin, milf

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. ¤ Learn How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back ¤ says:
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Who is JDOG?

JDOG co-hosted VH1's hit television show The Pickup Artist. He has been featured on FOX News, ABC News, and interviewed by Chanel 4 television, The New York Times, and Business Week.

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