It’s all too easy to pick fault with ourselves, whether that’s by second guessing our decisions, or by dwelling on our insecurities. I’ve been writing lately about various aspects of Inner Game, from dealing with Approach Anxiety to pushing through the discomfort of rejection.

On a similar track my mind was day dreaming today about a certain woman. Pondering the beauty of a woman is an all too easy pass time for me. From the soft lines of her face, to the allure of her eyes.. her full lips that I can’t stop thinking about.. I kept glancing at them when she was talking to me. Her smooth skin.. the curves of her body. Deep breath…….aaaannd continue.. In fact if we didn’t have to talk to each other I could happily have a conversation in my own head while gazing at a woman’s beauty.. hmm and I could quite easily do that right now, so before I completely lose my train of thought here.. What does she see in me? What can she see in me? Does she have to like my physical looks? Can she feel these types of feelings towards any aspect of me? ..and perhaps most importantly.. Do I like me?

What is there about me that she can find beautiful in some way, if I were to look through her eyes, and listen through her ears? This doesn’t have to be about physical looks either. However, I am of the opinion that once you start connecting with someone, you do start to change the way you see them to some extent. Your perception of their beauty actually changes. If you really connect then they appear more attractive to you overall, and you feel more comfortable in their company. On the flip side, when someone’s personality is off in some way, or they fundamentally conflict with your core values, then you may perceive that person as less attractive. Can you think of times in your own life when either of these were true? Take a moment to think about this, before you continue to follow along with what I’m saying.

I find that when you’re emotions are in sync with those of another, as Daniel Goleman describes “synchrony,” that person becomes more attractive in your mind. From my experience this is also true when you had initially found that person to be unattractive. Have you ever heard someone speaking about a date they went on? “We didn’t really connect,” Susan said in a negative tone, her facial expression reflecting her feelings. One would sense she found him unattractive, but the picture she showed was of a guy with model good looks. Upon further discussion she did indeed find him unattractive. His personality, and the things he spoke about made her feel the emotions she associates with someone who is not physically attractive to her. I’m always curious when one of my girl-friends goes on a date, to find out what she was drawn to, or what made her find the guy undesirable.

Finding someone more, or less attractive when in synchrony doesn’t have to be from a sexual perspective either. You might start to appreciate the attractive qualities of someone of the same sex as you. Similarly, it may be a much older person whom you picture as a grandparent figure. Perhaps the bags under someone’s eyes start to reflect their depth of character in a charming way. Or maybe you become aware that their eyes themselves possess a certain quality that is quite beautiful. When they smile you find yourself smiling, filled with warm emotions, while noticing a playful glint in their eye for the first time. Isn’t this attractive? Opening up your awareness to appreciate the beauty in others, is a wonderful mechanism for opening up your appreciation of your own attractive qualities.

There is something to be learned from my friends who practice yoga, when they greet each other by saying Namaste – “The light within me honors the light within you.”

A fitting variation may be:
“The beauty of me admires the beauty of you.”

Opening up your awareness also involves being able to listen and accept the compliments that you receive. Doubly so for repeated compliments from women. If more than one person has told you something to the effect that; your smile is charming, or that you are intelligent, fun to be around, you make the person feel comfortable being around you, or any other quality of yours is particular attractive, then believe it! Even if at first you don’t think that it’s actually true. Realize that from someone else’s point of view it very well might be.

A man I very much admire once said to me, ” Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. If you don’t like the person staring back at you every day, then you better find a way to like that person. You’re going to be seeing him for a really long time.”

If someone were to ask you what your favorite attribute is about yourself, do you have an answer?

1. I think my eyes are attractive. I don’t get instant compliments about them, and for a brief time I even wore colored contacts to cover them up. When a girlfriend is in my arms during an intimate moment, while we are gazing into each others eyes, then in that moment I often hear how beautiful my eyes are.
2. I know that I’m a great conversationalist, granted I’ve made a conscious effort to improve my communication skills. I do get compliments about this on a regular basis. Would this make you appear more attractive to a woman? Absolutely!
3. I know that people instantly feel comfortable around me. I’ve heard this countless times from women, and also from students when teaching workshops.

There I gave you three personal examples. Only one was a physical attribute, and objectively compared to people with absolutely stunning eyes, mine are just average. I find them a beautiful part of me non the less.

May the beauty in others admire the beauty in you.
May you find the beauty in yourself, and in others.

~ Justin

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What are your thoughts about this video? Post your comments below!

I have a question for you. How well do you truly understand women? More specifically, do you have any idea what it’s really like to be a very beautiful woman? How does she feel inside from being stared at wherever she goes?

Does she get tired of being hit on constantly, but at other times find herself seeking the validation she is so used to? What are her frustrations, anxieties, and difficulties that arise just because she is more attractive? Or is her life perfect 100% of the time, because let’s face it most guys will do anything for her, right?

Unless you have dated a few desirable women then I would think that you wouldn’t really understand the reality of what it’s like to be a woman of particular beauty. If you have studied the female mind, and enough seduction related materials then perhaps you have started to get some insight, but without spending a lot of time around beautiful women, either as a platonic friend (by your own choice,) or through dating, then it’s difficult to have a deep understanding.

I remember several years ago seeing part of a Dr. Phil show, where a stunningly beautiful women, who seemed on the surface to have an idyllic life, just completely broke down on camera. I didn’t get it at the time. I didn’t get that her life could be anything other than perfect. Most people find it difficult to relate to the problems that come alongside beauty. Much in the same way that beautiful women have no concept as to what it’s like being an average, or less than average looking guy. She has no frame of reference. She doesn’t need one though, as she’s not trying to get with the average guy.

Attractive women may get what they want a lot of the time, and they might get treated better than most, but there is a flip side. She has to screen through mountains of men who fake kindness and sincerity, to find the ones who are genuine. Does she find that she frequently gets played by the high valued men in her life? She may find it constantly more difficult in the work place, and not because of men, but because other women are jealous of her looks, and therefore make her life difficult. There may be an emotional separation between her and her best girlfriend. She always gets the attention from guys, who directly hit on her, while treating her girlfriend like chopped liver. This causes difficulties, and is one of the reasons why we say to open the friend first. Win the friends over before focusing your attention on the hottest girl in the group. Realize that there are a myriad other difficulties attractive women face.

Is she brushing you off because she dislikes you personally? Or is she tired of having 12 guys hit on her today with lame approaches, and no obvious regard for her as a person? Perhaps she just needs to make the best use of her time, and has programmed herself to shut down certain advances form ANY guy. Think twice before calling her a bitch.

Understanding her reality will skyrocket your chances of getting further with her. When women feel that you understand their world they will instantly be set at ease, and they will want to connect with you. It is the rarity. It was my good friend Ross Jeffries who first shared this concept with me. Ross calls it “Being An Authority On Her World.” If conveys so many positives about you. She will think, “wow, this guy really gets me!” She will know that you must have dated a lot of beautiful women, therefore there is unstated preselection being conveyed. For you Mystery Method guys out there that would be a DHV (Displaying Higher Value,) while hitting one of the primary attraction switches.

Granted it’s a catch 22, because in order to raise your chances of dating beautiful women it helps considerably to have previously dated other beautiful women. So what can you do about it? Choose to develop platonic friendships with such women for starters. Take an interest in the female mind.

I did find one guy’s video response to the Sundance clip on youtube, sorry I couldn’t embed the video as embedding was disabled according to the author’s settings. If you’re interested in another guy’s thoughts on this then click the HERE.

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If you haven’t already heard, “Dating In The Dark” is a new reality dating show, where couples meet and go on dates in complete lights out darkness. Made possible with some very nifty infra-red video cameras. On the surface it seems like an idea with some great potential, and while it can be thought provoking at times it falls short of anything more than a dull and superficial social experiment. In a nutshell Dating In The Dark can pretty much stay in the dark, as it fails to shed any new light on what role looks play at the beginning of relationships.

Episode 1 recap

Three guys, and three gals move into a house and get paired up with each other. They generally make out, and have as much of a ‘date’ as they can in a sparse pitch black room before they actually see their partner for the first time. Interspersed with all this they go off and discuss what happened with their house mates.

Upon seeing their match they go back and either brag, or complain about their physical looks, before going on a final and normal day date if they decide to give it a shot. Who will stay together, and who will not.. I’m riveted.. ok not really. Whoever thought up this idea certainly knows how to cash in on a cheaply produced show, and for that I give big props.

I did like one sound bite from episode 2, where one of the girls reported that her date made her feel so comfortable.. “..being on my date with him was very comfortable, and being able to feel that on a first date is very important..” or words to that effect. This is the one and rare golden nugget of the show.

Here’s a quick preview of the show:

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This article was in response to several posts made on www.arizonapua.com/forum from a guy who was having issues with his self image.

but i do go out there and game.  girls look at me like im a freak and walk away or give me the hand or roll their eyes…..EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!  and im at penn state U…one of the biggest pussy schools on the planet for 3 years and still havent gotten shit, not even a kiss, and i go out every weekend.  so all im sayin is im hideous and to continue trying to use game is fucking pointless.  thank you.

Yes, looks are important I agree, but in my opinion from what you have posted [edit: and the pictures he had online] there is 0% correlation between your looks and the responses (you personally) are getting.

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS INDIVIDUAL POSTED MANY MESSAGES TO MY ARIZONAPUA MESSAGE BOARD, AND THERE WAS A DEFINITE PATTERN IN HIS BEHAVIOUR, AND BELIEFS THAT MADE ME REACH SUCH A CONCLUSION ABOUT HIM.

He also stated that his self image was justified based upon the responses he was receiving from online match and rating websites, like hotornot.

He failed to realise that the whole way in which he was communicating was making him appear rather unattractive to women.. and that negative feedback he was receiving had NOTHING to do with his actual physical looks.

Unfortunately, like so many of us, he would take the cold responses from women and apply it to his already negative self image. Such psychological processes of negative reinforcement are actually very damaging to one’s self esteem, and self image.. In turn those negative feelings feeds back into one’s social interactive behaviour. Thus is the cycle of a self fulfilling prophecy.

OK right off the bat there are some things to be said of match sites like hotornot, social networking sites like myspace and facebook, and online dating. On those websites women have such a limited glimpse of you, that it’s unrealistic to think that they can possibly ‘know you’ from that alone, or even have any kind of real perception of what you are about.

Therefore, they do put a lot of value in your your profile picture.  This is ESPECIALLY true for a rating site like hotornot. Depending upon the pic that I post on that site I am anywhere from a 5 to an 8.  Guys go on there to rate other guys lower.  Highschoolers go on there and get all their friends to rate them 10’s, so as you can see the ratings are completely skewed.

However, they also put considerable judgement in how how you contact them.. what your online opener is so to speak. Act like all the guys lusting after her, and it’s a big next! Be witty, fun, playful, a little cocky, and succinct, and she might just be very intrigued by you.

It’s an interesting fact that some of the most physically attractive men, especially those with ripped abs actually get shunned by women online. One of the biggest mistakes is to pull up your shirt and post a pic that says, “hey I have my shirt off let’s meet and fuck cos that’s all I’m about.” Shirtless posers acting like jerks are going about the whole online dating thing the wrong way.

Girls can far too easily perceive you as a total jerk, especially if you are actually acting like one. Perhaps by being too cocky and sexually crude, making dumb comments and just continually telling the girl how hot she is.. being uninteresting, and seriously lacking a sense of humour will work against you.

The skills we learn in this community give us an advantage, to compensate for the fact that we may not be what a girl is “initially” looking for. From my experience the vast majority of people have nothing to worry about with their looks, and their own insecurities, are just that.. their own.. others are blind to them.

1) More on (pronounced “moron”) looks:

In my experience (and this is a LOT of experience) here are some facts about looks, and appearance:

1. being average or less than average looking usually only affects a woman’s initial perceptions of you.  I have spent a large amount of time with female friends, and I observe how they interact with guys, and who they date, etc.  Being very good looking will give a guy about 30 seconds head start on a less attractive guy.  If he then acts like a jerk or an idiot, or a player, or BORING she will generally lose interest rather quickly.  Of course there are always exceptions, and there will always be a certain percentage of women who put their looks requirements above all else.
    
2. It would take me a year to transcibe all of the thoughts and knowledge that I have in my head on this subject.  For instance did you know that girls will often talk themselves out of dating super hot guys, and even from going over and talking with them.  They have their own insecurities, and they also know he is probably a player, or becuase of his wider sexual choice will make a poor boyfriend.
    
3. Improving our Social Acceptablility (see next topic) can significantly boost the perception that a girl feels about our looks.  A guy can esily go from being a 5 to a 7, or even to an 8.
    
4. The older a girl gets the less looks matter, especially to attractive women.  This is my own personal experience and here are a couple of reasons why this is true:
   1. She has been emotionally burnt by many good looking player types.
   2. The older she gets the more she values other qualities in a guy, such as intellect, and maturity through having more life experiences.

2) JDog’s theory of SOCIAL ACCEPTABILITY

This is FAR FAR more important than physical looks.  This is based upon how you present yourself.  Fashion style, personal grooming (no body odor, fresh breath, no nose beard), Body language, being comfortable when talking to people.

If you are not socially acceptable (both generally, specifically within her peer group) then no matter how much the girl likes you (and this is especially true for younger women 18 to 22) she will blow you off.  This is because she knows that her friends would just never accept you.  It would be a complete embarrassment.

A guy may be dressed ok, and be groomed ok, but then when he speaks he is awkward to the point that he creeps people out, and makes them feel awkward then the girl will blow him off. Nobody wants to feel creeped out or uncomfortable.

In my experience working with hundreds of guys, this concept of Social Acceptability is what causes one person to get good responses, where another person using exactly the same material will get bad responses. 

Some Social Acceptability Points:

• fitting in to peer group
• communication skills and charisma (a learnable skill)
• grooming and hygiene
• fashion sense
• body language
• confidence

3) Physical Deal Breakers

Some people have what Mystery calls deal breakers.  This could be something as stupid as the guy having the name Herman, becuase through social pressure she truly believes that it is socially unacceptable to be dating a guy with such a lame name.  More often this would be something like; really bad acne, or very nerdy pebble sized spectacles, outrageous body odor.

So if a guys has a deal breaker aspect to himself then he should acknowledge it, and do everything he can to reduce it’s impact.  Improve grooming, and get a style consultant…  See a dermatologis or a plastic surgeon to remove a face wart, get a personal trainer and a nutritionist… whatever it takes.. Mystery often recommends that certain students get Lassic eye surgery. *note that I am not recommending anything here, just using examples to make a point*

Case in point.. If I see a hot bodied girl, who is cute but she has an ungly hairy protruding mole on her face then for me that is a deal breaker.  Even though she could easily have it removed. Yes, I really am that shallow.. erm.. or should I say distracted easily *grin*

4) Personality, Beliefs, Charisma, and Self Image

Phew.. this is a long one and I don’t have the time to write much about it.  Let’s see what I can summarise here.

A confident and charismatic personality is very attractive to a women.  Having things that you are truly passionate about in life is also attractive.. well unless it’s stamp collecting.. hmm but hey if you have a $million stamp collection or museum collection then perhaps not.

Personality affects a lot!

Negative Self Image and Limiting Beliefs are in my opinion diseases.  A disease in such that they affect such a large number of people on this planet from being happy and achieving what they want in life.  Both men and women.

I personally recommend that every guy on this board who has a negative self image to go and see Ross Jeffries, creator of Speed Seduction.  I think he should offer a special seminar to just deal with self image and belief structure.  He does cover these extensively already in his seminars, but some people really need help on this.

Belifs and Self Image (BSI) affect how confident we are, our body language,, and the subtleties of our communication.  In many ways, just having negative BSI will cause people to come off as awkward and creepy during a conversation.  Conversely having empowering BSI will cause people to find you charming, charismatic, sincere, and they will wnat to be around you.

5) Social Proof, and social value

Read up on social psychology books such as “Influence” by Robert Cialdini.. also learning some evolutionary biology would benefit you. To discuss this in detail would take many posts, so I’ll be brief, extreme, and crude to make a point. 

All I am going to do here is ask you two questions, and make one statement.  First question, do ugly ass rock stars.. actors, and other famous people.. do they fuck, date, and marry some of the hottest women on the planet?

Do ugly old wealthy men frequently date, sleep with, and enjoy the company of hot women?

Statement:  (This is apparently a fact from some recent study)  10% of women in the united states have slept with their boss!

Long post, but important stuff.

Think good thoughts about yourself,

J.

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