It’s all too easy to pick fault with ourselves, whether that’s by second guessing our decisions, or by dwelling on our insecurities. I’ve been writing lately about various aspects of Inner Game, from dealing with Approach Anxiety to pushing through the discomfort of rejection.

On a similar track my mind was day dreaming today about a certain woman. Pondering the beauty of a woman is an all too easy pass time for me. From the soft lines of her face, to the allure of her eyes.. her full lips that I can’t stop thinking about.. I kept glancing at them when she was talking to me. Her smooth skin.. the curves of her body. Deep breath…….aaaannd continue.. In fact if we didn’t have to talk to each other I could happily have a conversation in my own head while gazing at a woman’s beauty.. hmm and I could quite easily do that right now, so before I completely lose my train of thought here.. What does she see in me? What can she see in me? Does she have to like my physical looks? Can she feel these types of feelings towards any aspect of me? ..and perhaps most importantly.. Do I like me?

What is there about me that she can find beautiful in some way, if I were to look through her eyes, and listen through her ears? This doesn’t have to be about physical looks either. However, I am of the opinion that once you start connecting with someone, you do start to change the way you see them to some extent. Your perception of their beauty actually changes. If you really connect then they appear more attractive to you overall, and you feel more comfortable in their company. On the flip side, when someone’s personality is off in some way, or they fundamentally conflict with your core values, then you may perceive that person as less attractive. Can you think of times in your own life when either of these were true? Take a moment to think about this, before you continue to follow along with what I’m saying.

I find that when you’re emotions are in sync with those of another, as Daniel Goleman describes “synchrony,” that person becomes more attractive in your mind. From my experience this is also true when you had initially found that person to be unattractive. Have you ever heard someone speaking about a date they went on? “We didn’t really connect,” Susan said in a negative tone, her facial expression reflecting her feelings. One would sense she found him unattractive, but the picture she showed was of a guy with model good looks. Upon further discussion she did indeed find him unattractive. His personality, and the things he spoke about made her feel the emotions she associates with someone who is not physically attractive to her. I’m always curious when one of my girl-friends goes on a date, to find out what she was drawn to, or what made her find the guy undesirable.

Finding someone more, or less attractive when in synchrony doesn’t have to be from a sexual perspective either. You might start to appreciate the attractive qualities of someone of the same sex as you. Similarly, it may be a much older person whom you picture as a grandparent figure. Perhaps the bags under someone’s eyes start to reflect their depth of character in a charming way. Or maybe you become aware that their eyes themselves possess a certain quality that is quite beautiful. When they smile you find yourself smiling, filled with warm emotions, while noticing a playful glint in their eye for the first time. Isn’t this attractive? Opening up your awareness to appreciate the beauty in others, is a wonderful mechanism for opening up your appreciation of your own attractive qualities.

There is something to be learned from my friends who practice yoga, when they greet each other by saying Namaste – “The light within me honors the light within you.”

A fitting variation may be:
“The beauty of me admires the beauty of you.”

Opening up your awareness also involves being able to listen and accept the compliments that you receive. Doubly so for repeated compliments from women. If more than one person has told you something to the effect that; your smile is charming, or that you are intelligent, fun to be around, you make the person feel comfortable being around you, or any other quality of yours is particular attractive, then believe it! Even if at first you don’t think that it’s actually true. Realize that from someone else’s point of view it very well might be.

A man I very much admire once said to me, ” Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. If you don’t like the person staring back at you every day, then you better find a way to like that person. You’re going to be seeing him for a really long time.”

If someone were to ask you what your favorite attribute is about yourself, do you have an answer?

1. I think my eyes are attractive. I don’t get instant compliments about them, and for a brief time I even wore colored contacts to cover them up. When a girlfriend is in my arms during an intimate moment, while we are gazing into each others eyes, then in that moment I often hear how beautiful my eyes are.
2. I know that I’m a great conversationalist, granted I’ve made a conscious effort to improve my communication skills. I do get compliments about this on a regular basis. Would this make you appear more attractive to a woman? Absolutely!
3. I know that people instantly feel comfortable around me. I’ve heard this countless times from women, and also from students when teaching workshops.

There I gave you three personal examples. Only one was a physical attribute, and objectively compared to people with absolutely stunning eyes, mine are just average. I find them a beautiful part of me non the less.

May the beauty in others admire the beauty in you.
May you find the beauty in yourself, and in others.

~ Justin

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2. Self Esteem & Sexual Communication
3. Having Leverage On Yourself

You don't have to be this adventurous!

When I teach a seminar I will ask the audience what they do on a monthly basis that other people may find interesting, and preferably something they feel passionate about. Exploring your passions, and developing them into real hobbies can have an exponentially beneficial effect on your love life.

We tend to talk with more enthusiasm about things that we are passionate about. Emotions are contagious, and those good feelings will spread to the person you are talking to. They will find you more captivating and interesting from that emotional exchange alone. Passionate talkers are often charismatic conversationalists.

Women are profoundly attracted to men that can talk with passion, conviction, and enthusiasm. If you are asking the question, “How can I talk more passionately?” The best answer is to actually be passionate about what you are talking about. Make sense?

We all have busy lives, so just how can we put this living with passion concept into effect? The absolutely easiest way is to read. Yes, reading about something that you find fascinating is perfect. I find that I am always learning, and much of my reading these days is done online because of the instant access to information. Continually learning is very important to me. In “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” Steven Covey calls this “Sharpening The Blade,” the 7th habit.. if you haven’t read the book I ‘highly’ recommend it.. oh and sorry for spoiling the ending :-D

I find so many things fascinating, and everyday I spend a couple of hours learning something new online. I’ve spent time reading about such topics as; skateboarding, motorcyles, finance, politics, and most recently what would appear to be the very boring subject of RSS Feeds. Haha well I did choose to study engineering in university.

Now you would think that telling a girl that RSS stands for Really Simple Syndication would completely bore her. Women like, want, and are attracted to intelligent men, just not boring men. It is always possible to talk about seemingly mundane topics in a captivating and attractive way. This is doubly true if you talk with passion for the subject. It does go without saying though that women will find certain topics of conversation more interesting than others. I would definitely not recommend talking about RSS Feeds as a tactic to meet women.. LOL.

I used to open girls by asking if they could program in PHP as I needed help working on my website, and then I’d tell them I was such a nerd. Actually this worked really well for me because my fashion style was cooler than the average guy, and I came across in a confident and flirtatious way. So the nerd talk complimented those qualities to add depth, and create intrigue.

By no means am I suggesting that you talk about such things. I’m simply demonstrating from my own experience how even those topics can work in your favour. Women will undoubtedly be more interested if the conversation were about something more exciting, such as your recent wake boarding experience.

From the meeting women persecutive it is far more advantageous to actually get involved and do something that you are passionate about. Yes, we are men, and it can be said that our motivation for everything we do in life is connected to our desire for women. You should pursue your passions though primarily for you.

Here is a selection of several ways that I have indulged in my interests and passions. Some are ongoing, and others were one off experiences:

Few of us can honestly get away with the excuse that there is just no time. Even with a busy work schedule we can usually find ways to make time. Watching less television springs to mind. 

Certain things interest me personally that may be of little interest to you. We are all individuals. Take a moment to think about something that you always wanted to do, learn, or perhaps something that gets you excited at the thought of doing it. Next think about what ways you can explore that opportunity. Write it down.. make an action list. Keep it simple this should only take you about 10 minutes. Then set a firm start date.. hint.. this week would be perfect. Start this evening and you are definitely a man of action!

What about if you meet a girl before you’ve taking any action? You can still talk about your plans in an excited and enthusiastic way. This can be equally compelling and attractive. The potential pitfall is mis-calibrating her level of interest. So don’t get carried away.

Keep her involved in the conversation, simple is better than complicated, and tap into universal experiences and emotions. A universal experience is something that everyone can relate to, because it is common enough that they have experienced it themselves. It can be the act of doing something, or just feeling a specific emotion, like the butterflies in your stomach on a roller coaster.

When a woman meets me she doesn’t meet a guy that’s running game on her. She meets someone that is interesting who talks with passion, that also happens to have good game. Don’t make the mistake of letting the seduction arts define you.

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Getting to know each other

Without hesitation I would have to say that the most common question I’m asked when out and about is, “Can you just give me one tip.. one quick piece of advice on what to say?” In answer to this I have decided to give you not one but 10 quick tips! 

However, these aren’t openers and they’re not lines, and no they are not routines either.  Rather they provide some practical insight into connecting on a deeper level, thus keeping in the same vein as my last article (see “Losing my connection.. can you feel me now?”) 

Consider this as the foundation for ensuring that women will never flake on you again! You may recall that my comfort game is extremely strong, but it hasn’t always been that way for me. It’s something that I really had to work on. It’s something that improved as I matured emotionally, aided by my personal life experiences, and evolved through spending lots of time with women.

From now on when in comfort (after the initial attraction) and your mind goes blank on what to talk about, just remember the following 10 points:

1. When lost for words use Conversational Themes, such as talking about; Travel, The Government, The Economy, Music, Art, Books, Hobbies, Yours and Her Passions, Your Likes and Dislikes, or your Pet Peeves.

These are some topics that I actually like discussing. The key is to keep things interesting, and to keep the emotions engaged, while actually getting to know each other.

2. Talking with Passion, and being comfortable with your own self-expression. Women are extremely attracted to passionate men, who are comfortable expressing their feelings, views and thoughts on important issues, or on topics that have strong meaning for themselves. The key is to involve her, and not rant too much.

3. Demonstrate your Intelligence! I enjoy talking about complex issues that most people wouldn’t discuss on a first date. I talk about; politics, the government, economics, big pharma, engineering, and I vocalize my pet peeves.

Women love intelligent men, but they get turned off by boring men! The key is to keep things interesting, evoke her emotions, and keep it brief.

When a girl feels that she has learnt something about a complex issue, and that you reduced it down to a concept that she could understand without oversimplifying it, she feels more intelligent, she reveres you, and she feels connected. She will want to know you more.

4. Recognize and encourage the observation of Commonalities between you. These should be a big part of why you actually like her! Stop already with the, “No way, you like Pearl Jam, I love Pearl Jam.. high five!” Little superficial rapport builders like that can be fun and playful in the attraction phase, but later on it’s not enough. Guys that use such statements during comfort come off as transparent, insincere, untrustworthy, and just not real.

For example, I may be talking about travel when she chimes in and tells me about getting lost in Europe, and I tell her how we lost our car in Vegas when I was 17 and spent 3 hours in a cab combing the city for it.

Or, she talks about her favourite band, and the feeling she gets when watching them play live, and I tell her about my first concert that I snuck into, and how I’d never seen so many people in one place… and they were all unified, united… together in this moment.. it was amazing! (Hey a little NLP helps.. JDOG looks around mischievously.)

5. Understanding Her. This is where you must get out of your own head, and actually notice her. Notice when her eyes kind of sparkle and she gets excited about telling you something, or conversely when a subject makes her distant or melancholy.

Tell her something about herself that most people overlook. Find things to appreciate about her other than her big babalons, and let her know that it’s those qualities that you find so attractive about her. 

6. If you expect that a virtual stranger will instantly open up to you, then you are mistaken. That’s why Sharing and Going First is important. When you open up about something that has deeper meaning for you, whether happy or deeper sad emotions, she will to some extent experience those emotions with you. Remember those mirror neurons? She will feel connected to you, and she may then want to share something from her life, no doubt some of her deeper emotions.

7. Branching from topic to topic. You know when you are just hanging out with a bunch of guy friends, one conversation morphs into 5 different conversations as each of you chime in, sharing your thoughts and experiences. Be that comfortable here, as it’s better to talk about 20 seemingly unrelated topics than staying on 1 subject for an hour.

Afterwards you can always say, “Whoa, how did we start talking about this?” Then you can even backtrack the conversation, or just comment on how interesting she is.

8. Cut Negative and Boring Threads. Recognise when the conversation starts becoming too heavy, or boring, and change the subject. It is not necessary for the transition to make logical sense, just start talking about something completely different.

This can be done as simply as saying something like, “That reminds me I read this article about…” or “I was driving yesterday when such and such happened..” or “Hey get this..”

9. Call Backs. This is done frequently in comedy, where it is referred to as call back humour. For instance, if you gave her the nickname “little pirate” 5 minutes after you met her, then you can call her that 30 minutes later, “look little pirate.. blah.. blah..” Alternatively, you can do this in a serious manner by later referencing something she said.

Remember what I told you about the necessity of understanding her (see above,) well 5 or 10 minutes after she says something that is important to her bring it up again. That really shows you were listening, and were taking notice of her. For example, “You know when you were talking about music earlier.. it just seemed like it’s one of the most important parts of your life.”

10. Remember to maintain the sexual tension, and move things along. Use call back humour to teaser her a little, smell her neck, and tell her how great she smells, hold her hand, and let her play with your fingers.

Oh, and if she does play with your fingers you most likely can kiss her. If so, kiss her, and enjoy it but hold off on groping or getting too sexual too quickly, especially if you are still in the location where you met each other. Oh, and now’s the time to say, “Ya really turn me on wiv ya big babalons.” (Grin.)

Early on I was premeditated in the comfort phase, I was coming from a place of scarcity and insecurity with women, and was just trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. I experimented to attain an understanding of what worked. Sound familiar? Now, it’s just who I am, and now there is this natural flow of getting to know one another, albeit in a sexually excited way.

Developing your ability to genuinely connect with women will certainly put you ahead of the pack, and as I’ve stated before when a guy can connect on this level women feel compelled to see you again, and again, and.. well you get the picture.

If you like this breakdown then I would love to see your comments! You may also wish to visit my website www.askjdog.com where I post free video lessons, and answer questions. Cheers.. JDOG!

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Making a real connection

I find myself on a train heading from Leeds to London, encapsulated in my own world via the perfect pairing of Shure noise isolating headphones, and iPhone. It’s been four years since I was last in my home country, and this has been an interesting trip. First off I had the most amazing teaching experience, when teaching and coaching with Dr. Paul Dobransky in London.

– Countryside blurs past the window to the soundtrack of U2. –

I just pulled out my copy of “Social Intelligence,” by Daniel Goleman. A must read for everyone by the way! This book is profound. It breaks down processes in the brain that, in some form or fashion, I’ve been teaching about for years. The more of it I read the better it gets. I will talk more about this book later.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how everyone seems to be teaching social skills these days, but very few of them teach men how to really be men. Where is the bootcamp on how to develop emotional maturity, or provide any kind of process to really connect with people in a genuine and honest way? It’s as if the seduction community is breeding a generation of used-car-salesman-seducers, or Salesman Seducers, or SADucers for short.. hmmm I like that, SADusers!

While I whole-heartedly agree that the outward social skills need to be taught, there is a strong need for a shift in focus to address the underlying causes of what makes some men lack confidence with women, and also what makes these ‘nice guys’ extremely poor boyfriend material. Perhaps I’m stretching here, but maybe.. just maybe.. some of these guys should be getting a teensy bit of advice on how to remedy their actual problems. Nah, I’m just having a moment of craziness.

Picking up women is a skill set; picking up women in a club is a very specific skill. Manipulating women into bed, a skill. Keeping quality women in your life, and mutually enjoying such relationships requires some personal growth. Becoming the man that women find naturally attractive, and being someone that they find themselves wanting to be around, is more about emotional growth in my opinion than anything else.

For want of a better term I’m going to suggest that people who focus purely on the external skills, as ‘masking’ their issues with women. Salesman Seducers are learning a skill set that simply masks their insecurities, and for some they can attract women that way. Can anyone else hear whispers of, “…buyer’s remorse… low self esteem… remorse..” somewhere in the back of their mind? No, yes, maybe? Hmm, perhaps it’s just me.

Do you think that such maskers are truly happy with themselves? Do they truly have high self-esteem? Do they have the emotional maturity to be able to connect with women on anything less than a superficial level?

Now you may be wondering if all JDOG’s going to do is rant, and perhaps you’re even saying to yourself, “hey JDOG teach me something already!” Which leads me back to talking about some elements of Daniel Goleman’s book, specifically, empathic communication.

Formula To Why Girls Flake

One serious problem I see with many of the guys chatting on message boards, and sarging with their lair counterparts is that they run game ‘at’ women. They are often not really present in the moment, with a genuine interest in getting to know her. Somewhere along the way, practicing relentlessly with their training wheels, they lost the plot.

With that in mind what I am about to share with you will undoubtedly help you become extremely attractive to the opposite sex. First some assumptions, yes I’m still an engineer at heart, and anything to be proven or tested scientifically has a set of assumptions in order for the argument to completely make sense.

1) If you are only interested in one night stands, then this most likely doesn’t apply to you, and if that is where your level of emotional maturity is at it’s absolutely fine. There is no judgment here on my part… ok maybe a little (grin.)

2) The game, so to speak, is won in comfort. You may have already heard this phrase. Well I personally think that this is where most of your effort should be placed. Granted you need to be able to ignite some initial attraction. God knows I spent far too long running high octane attraction game, opening every group of people several nights a week, for what seemed like an eternal night club stage show ala JDOG. Several shows a night, guaranteed to make you laugh, and service with a smile.. every time. Hoo-Ah!

3) The lady that you are interested in must feel some level of attraction for you, or intrigue, or interest in you BEFORE things progress into comfort. If this isn’t yet happening you still have some refining to do on your communication, amongst perhaps some other things. However, unless you fall into the one nightstand interest group (see assumption #1) then what I‘m about to teach you still applies.

4) Extremes are usually a bad thing. Please make no mistake here, I am certainly not suggesting that we all get so in touch with each other’s emotions that we behave like a bunch of women.. no offence intended to our female readers J.

Now, with the assumptions understood let’s continue. I see too many guys stuck in a never-ending cycle of trying to improve their attraction game, when they are already generating attraction. They fall short by never actually connecting with the girl in comfort. Dr. Paul calls this phase ‘friendship’ and perhaps that is a more appropriate term.

I certainly share a friendship with the women that I have sexual relationships with. Sure, sexual, intimate, and sometimes short-term friends maybe, but it is a friendship non-the-less.

Attraction usually takes place rather quickly, say during; an initial impression, first 10 minutes, first 30 minutes perhaps? Rarely is it a long drawn out epic-movie-type process that goes on for days, or weeks, months, or years. The real time spent together is AFTER she realizes that she is attracted to you in some way.

So what happens if you find yourself hanging out with the girl of your dreams? She was into you initially, and then it just seems like you are constantly fumbling around with ‘comfort routines’ and question games, and such, but there is an emptiness between you. A void. An emotional, and almost physical void. You feel it, and she certainly feels it.

I will tell you what happens next. She loses attraction. She loses interest. She doesn’t want to sleep with you. She doesn’t want to date you, and most likely she doesn’t need nor want to even see you again! Does that sound familiar?

Now, let’s run this scenario over again. Only this time we connect, we share ideas, emotions, and thoughts. This time you break away from the script, and actually have a genuine interest in her, and by that I don’t mean you sincerely like her boobs, although that does help. Emotions are exchanged whereby you experience and understand what it’s like to be her to some extent, and vice versa, all the while maintaining that sexual teasing, and playfulness. Do you understand the difference? Hello… can you feel me now?

We shouldn’t need a reference guide of neurological brain science to understand this. It’s just how our brains work. We want to be around people that are able to share their emotions with us in a healthy way, and people that make us feel good. We especially enjoy the company of those who are able to understand us, and experience our own emotions with us. We need something a little deeper than an initial feeling of attraction, which is actually pretty transient in the bigger scheme of things. We need something more substantial such as; comfort, friendship, trust, and understanding.

Shouldn’t she be thinking, “This guy gets me.. there’s something about him.. I felt like we’d known each for years… we had so much to talk about.. we..” She takes a breath, “We just had this chemistry.” She breathes out. I think she would remember you then. I know she would tell her friends about you, and when a girl talks about a guy in those terms her friends support her decisions.

Since the fairly recent discovery of Mirror Neurons in monkeys there has been much research into empathic neural circuitries. Studies have shown (now I sound like a commercial) that when observing another person’s emotional state that same emotion is activated within ourselves. There is a neural mechanism that maps what others are feeling onto our own nervous system. Read that last sentence again, it’s profound!

Now I’m just guessing here, but perhaps running game ‘at’ your ‘target’ past the first few minutes actually prevents this empathic communication from taking place. Which in turn limits your chances of getting to know each other, and reduces your chances of ever seeing each other again. Now that’s sad. Of course if you want women to think of you as false, shallow, manipulative, or insincere then by all means follow the path of the SADuser.

Are you a SADuser?

A glub monotone announcement bursts through the speaker system, “Attention to all the SADucers on this ride, we are arriving at your destination… please depart, taking all of your personal belongings with you… you have arrived… at FLAKE TOWN… population… YOU!”

I used to hate it when a girl flaked. I would meet a girl that I liked, get her number, and possibly even setup a bridge to see her again. I would go home thinking about her, and I would be happy that I met this cute girl. I might even be impressed with myself at how well everything went, how I did everything right, and how this girl now likes me! Then I would get all excited about seeing her, call her up, and…and… wait for it… and she wouldn’t be the same girl on the phone.

Her energy would be low, she sounded uninterested, she didn’t know who I was, and asked who was calling. Perhaps she would rush me off the phone because she was at work, or driving somewhere, or just plain busy, or was lost in a cave being hunted by wolves, and her phone was about to cut ou.. CLICK! Other times I would just get voicemail, and never hear back, even after I left too many messages, haha. How did I feel? Deflated.. Worthless.. Sad.

Somewhere along the way something clicked for me, and I discovered what makes girls flake, or more accurately what to do differently so that they rarely flake on me. In my situation I was generating attraction, and at the point in time when I met the girl she was really into me. However, we never really connected in comfort, or in ‘friendship’ after that.

Her initial interest would fade rapidly. In the brief time that would transpire from meeting me, to hearing from me again she would undoubtedly meet other guys that she was equally or more attracted to. Those guys may have been funnier, better looking, wealthier, had better game, or been more memorable for other reasons. What lost me those women was the lack of any kind of real and genuine connection.

So if you find that women are often flaking on you, then you might want to develop your ability to connect and build comfort with her, and you should be doing that right after the initial flirtatious attraction has taken place.

If you want me to go into detail on how to move things along in comfort, with specific examples then please post comments. If there is enough interest then I may elaborate on this topic.

In this article I hope that you have learnt to stop SADucing, and now realize that attraction takes place quickly, while comfort and friendship is a longer process that requires you to be a genuine human being. For many people becoming the type of man that women love being around is a process that takes time. To minimise girls flaking on you, she actually needs to get to know you on a deeper level, then she will feel compelled to see you again.

It takes time to get this stuff, but it is well worth it, and my philosophy on life is that anything of value takes effort, and most often persistence. If you enjoyed this article then please visit me at www.askjdog.com where I post free video lessons, and answer questions. Cheers.. JDOG!

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