Getting to know each other

Without hesitation I would have to say that the most common question I’m asked when out and about is, “Can you just give me one tip.. one quick piece of advice on what to say?” In answer to this I have decided to give you not one but 10 quick tips! 

However, these aren’t openers and they’re not lines, and no they are not routines either.  Rather they provide some practical insight into connecting on a deeper level, thus keeping in the same vein as my last article (see “Losing my connection.. can you feel me now?”) 

Consider this as the foundation for ensuring that women will never flake on you again! You may recall that my comfort game is extremely strong, but it hasn’t always been that way for me. It’s something that I really had to work on. It’s something that improved as I matured emotionally, aided by my personal life experiences, and evolved through spending lots of time with women.

From now on when in comfort (after the initial attraction) and your mind goes blank on what to talk about, just remember the following 10 points:

1. When lost for words use Conversational Themes, such as talking about; Travel, The Government, The Economy, Music, Art, Books, Hobbies, Yours and Her Passions, Your Likes and Dislikes, or your Pet Peeves.

These are some topics that I actually like discussing. The key is to keep things interesting, and to keep the emotions engaged, while actually getting to know each other.

2. Talking with Passion, and being comfortable with your own self-expression. Women are extremely attracted to passionate men, who are comfortable expressing their feelings, views and thoughts on important issues, or on topics that have strong meaning for themselves. The key is to involve her, and not rant too much.

3. Demonstrate your Intelligence! I enjoy talking about complex issues that most people wouldn’t discuss on a first date. I talk about; politics, the government, economics, big pharma, engineering, and I vocalize my pet peeves.

Women love intelligent men, but they get turned off by boring men! The key is to keep things interesting, evoke her emotions, and keep it brief.

When a girl feels that she has learnt something about a complex issue, and that you reduced it down to a concept that she could understand without oversimplifying it, she feels more intelligent, she reveres you, and she feels connected. She will want to know you more.

4. Recognize and encourage the observation of Commonalities between you. These should be a big part of why you actually like her! Stop already with the, “No way, you like Pearl Jam, I love Pearl Jam.. high five!” Little superficial rapport builders like that can be fun and playful in the attraction phase, but later on it’s not enough. Guys that use such statements during comfort come off as transparent, insincere, untrustworthy, and just not real.

For example, I may be talking about travel when she chimes in and tells me about getting lost in Europe, and I tell her how we lost our car in Vegas when I was 17 and spent 3 hours in a cab combing the city for it.

Or, she talks about her favourite band, and the feeling she gets when watching them play live, and I tell her about my first concert that I snuck into, and how I’d never seen so many people in one place… and they were all unified, united… together in this moment.. it was amazing! (Hey a little NLP helps.. JDOG looks around mischievously.)

5. Understanding Her. This is where you must get out of your own head, and actually notice her. Notice when her eyes kind of sparkle and she gets excited about telling you something, or conversely when a subject makes her distant or melancholy.

Tell her something about herself that most people overlook. Find things to appreciate about her other than her big babalons, and let her know that it’s those qualities that you find so attractive about her. 

6. If you expect that a virtual stranger will instantly open up to you, then you are mistaken. That’s why Sharing and Going First is important. When you open up about something that has deeper meaning for you, whether happy or deeper sad emotions, she will to some extent experience those emotions with you. Remember those mirror neurons? She will feel connected to you, and she may then want to share something from her life, no doubt some of her deeper emotions.

7. Branching from topic to topic. You know when you are just hanging out with a bunch of guy friends, one conversation morphs into 5 different conversations as each of you chime in, sharing your thoughts and experiences. Be that comfortable here, as it’s better to talk about 20 seemingly unrelated topics than staying on 1 subject for an hour.

Afterwards you can always say, “Whoa, how did we start talking about this?” Then you can even backtrack the conversation, or just comment on how interesting she is.

8. Cut Negative and Boring Threads. Recognise when the conversation starts becoming too heavy, or boring, and change the subject. It is not necessary for the transition to make logical sense, just start talking about something completely different.

This can be done as simply as saying something like, “That reminds me I read this article about…” or “I was driving yesterday when such and such happened..” or “Hey get this..”

9. Call Backs. This is done frequently in comedy, where it is referred to as call back humour. For instance, if you gave her the nickname “little pirate” 5 minutes after you met her, then you can call her that 30 minutes later, “look little pirate.. blah.. blah..” Alternatively, you can do this in a serious manner by later referencing something she said.

Remember what I told you about the necessity of understanding her (see above,) well 5 or 10 minutes after she says something that is important to her bring it up again. That really shows you were listening, and were taking notice of her. For example, “You know when you were talking about music earlier.. it just seemed like it’s one of the most important parts of your life.”

10. Remember to maintain the sexual tension, and move things along. Use call back humour to teaser her a little, smell her neck, and tell her how great she smells, hold her hand, and let her play with your fingers.

Oh, and if she does play with your fingers you most likely can kiss her. If so, kiss her, and enjoy it but hold off on groping or getting too sexual too quickly, especially if you are still in the location where you met each other. Oh, and now’s the time to say, “Ya really turn me on wiv ya big babalons.” (Grin.)

Early on I was premeditated in the comfort phase, I was coming from a place of scarcity and insecurity with women, and was just trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. I experimented to attain an understanding of what worked. Sound familiar? Now, it’s just who I am, and now there is this natural flow of getting to know one another, albeit in a sexually excited way.

Developing your ability to genuinely connect with women will certainly put you ahead of the pack, and as I’ve stated before when a guy can connect on this level women feel compelled to see you again, and again, and.. well you get the picture.

If you like this breakdown then I would love to see your comments! You may also wish to visit my website www.askjdog.com where I post free video lessons, and answer questions. Cheers.. JDOG!

Related posts:

1. Losing my connection.. can you feel me now?
2. How To Be More Interesting

Making a real connection

I find myself on a train heading from Leeds to London, encapsulated in my own world via the perfect pairing of Shure noise isolating headphones, and iPhone. It’s been four years since I was last in my home country, and this has been an interesting trip. First off I had the most amazing teaching experience, when teaching and coaching with Dr. Paul Dobransky in London.

– Countryside blurs past the window to the soundtrack of U2. –

I just pulled out my copy of “Social Intelligence,” by Daniel Goleman. A must read for everyone by the way! This book is profound. It breaks down processes in the brain that, in some form or fashion, I’ve been teaching about for years. The more of it I read the better it gets. I will talk more about this book later.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how everyone seems to be teaching social skills these days, but very few of them teach men how to really be men. Where is the bootcamp on how to develop emotional maturity, or provide any kind of process to really connect with people in a genuine and honest way? It’s as if the seduction community is breeding a generation of used-car-salesman-seducers, or Salesman Seducers, or SADucers for short.. hmmm I like that, SADusers!

While I whole-heartedly agree that the outward social skills need to be taught, there is a strong need for a shift in focus to address the underlying causes of what makes some men lack confidence with women, and also what makes these ‘nice guys’ extremely poor boyfriend material. Perhaps I’m stretching here, but maybe.. just maybe.. some of these guys should be getting a teensy bit of advice on how to remedy their actual problems. Nah, I’m just having a moment of craziness.

Picking up women is a skill set; picking up women in a club is a very specific skill. Manipulating women into bed, a skill. Keeping quality women in your life, and mutually enjoying such relationships requires some personal growth. Becoming the man that women find naturally attractive, and being someone that they find themselves wanting to be around, is more about emotional growth in my opinion than anything else.

For want of a better term I’m going to suggest that people who focus purely on the external skills, as ‘masking’ their issues with women. Salesman Seducers are learning a skill set that simply masks their insecurities, and for some they can attract women that way. Can anyone else hear whispers of, “…buyer’s remorse… low self esteem… remorse..” somewhere in the back of their mind? No, yes, maybe? Hmm, perhaps it’s just me.

Do you think that such maskers are truly happy with themselves? Do they truly have high self-esteem? Do they have the emotional maturity to be able to connect with women on anything less than a superficial level?

Now you may be wondering if all JDOG’s going to do is rant, and perhaps you’re even saying to yourself, “hey JDOG teach me something already!” Which leads me back to talking about some elements of Daniel Goleman’s book, specifically, empathic communication.

Formula To Why Girls Flake

One serious problem I see with many of the guys chatting on message boards, and sarging with their lair counterparts is that they run game ‘at’ women. They are often not really present in the moment, with a genuine interest in getting to know her. Somewhere along the way, practicing relentlessly with their training wheels, they lost the plot.

With that in mind what I am about to share with you will undoubtedly help you become extremely attractive to the opposite sex. First some assumptions, yes I’m still an engineer at heart, and anything to be proven or tested scientifically has a set of assumptions in order for the argument to completely make sense.

1) If you are only interested in one night stands, then this most likely doesn’t apply to you, and if that is where your level of emotional maturity is at it’s absolutely fine. There is no judgment here on my part… ok maybe a little (grin.)

2) The game, so to speak, is won in comfort. You may have already heard this phrase. Well I personally think that this is where most of your effort should be placed. Granted you need to be able to ignite some initial attraction. God knows I spent far too long running high octane attraction game, opening every group of people several nights a week, for what seemed like an eternal night club stage show ala JDOG. Several shows a night, guaranteed to make you laugh, and service with a smile.. every time. Hoo-Ah!

3) The lady that you are interested in must feel some level of attraction for you, or intrigue, or interest in you BEFORE things progress into comfort. If this isn’t yet happening you still have some refining to do on your communication, amongst perhaps some other things. However, unless you fall into the one nightstand interest group (see assumption #1) then what I‘m about to teach you still applies.

4) Extremes are usually a bad thing. Please make no mistake here, I am certainly not suggesting that we all get so in touch with each other’s emotions that we behave like a bunch of women.. no offence intended to our female readers J.

Now, with the assumptions understood let’s continue. I see too many guys stuck in a never-ending cycle of trying to improve their attraction game, when they are already generating attraction. They fall short by never actually connecting with the girl in comfort. Dr. Paul calls this phase ‘friendship’ and perhaps that is a more appropriate term.

I certainly share a friendship with the women that I have sexual relationships with. Sure, sexual, intimate, and sometimes short-term friends maybe, but it is a friendship non-the-less.

Attraction usually takes place rather quickly, say during; an initial impression, first 10 minutes, first 30 minutes perhaps? Rarely is it a long drawn out epic-movie-type process that goes on for days, or weeks, months, or years. The real time spent together is AFTER she realizes that she is attracted to you in some way.

So what happens if you find yourself hanging out with the girl of your dreams? She was into you initially, and then it just seems like you are constantly fumbling around with ‘comfort routines’ and question games, and such, but there is an emptiness between you. A void. An emotional, and almost physical void. You feel it, and she certainly feels it.

I will tell you what happens next. She loses attraction. She loses interest. She doesn’t want to sleep with you. She doesn’t want to date you, and most likely she doesn’t need nor want to even see you again! Does that sound familiar?

Now, let’s run this scenario over again. Only this time we connect, we share ideas, emotions, and thoughts. This time you break away from the script, and actually have a genuine interest in her, and by that I don’t mean you sincerely like her boobs, although that does help. Emotions are exchanged whereby you experience and understand what it’s like to be her to some extent, and vice versa, all the while maintaining that sexual teasing, and playfulness. Do you understand the difference? Hello… can you feel me now?

We shouldn’t need a reference guide of neurological brain science to understand this. It’s just how our brains work. We want to be around people that are able to share their emotions with us in a healthy way, and people that make us feel good. We especially enjoy the company of those who are able to understand us, and experience our own emotions with us. We need something a little deeper than an initial feeling of attraction, which is actually pretty transient in the bigger scheme of things. We need something more substantial such as; comfort, friendship, trust, and understanding.

Shouldn’t she be thinking, “This guy gets me.. there’s something about him.. I felt like we’d known each for years… we had so much to talk about.. we..” She takes a breath, “We just had this chemistry.” She breathes out. I think she would remember you then. I know she would tell her friends about you, and when a girl talks about a guy in those terms her friends support her decisions.

Since the fairly recent discovery of Mirror Neurons in monkeys there has been much research into empathic neural circuitries. Studies have shown (now I sound like a commercial) that when observing another person’s emotional state that same emotion is activated within ourselves. There is a neural mechanism that maps what others are feeling onto our own nervous system. Read that last sentence again, it’s profound!

Now I’m just guessing here, but perhaps running game ‘at’ your ‘target’ past the first few minutes actually prevents this empathic communication from taking place. Which in turn limits your chances of getting to know each other, and reduces your chances of ever seeing each other again. Now that’s sad. Of course if you want women to think of you as false, shallow, manipulative, or insincere then by all means follow the path of the SADuser.

Are you a SADuser?

A glub monotone announcement bursts through the speaker system, “Attention to all the SADucers on this ride, we are arriving at your destination… please depart, taking all of your personal belongings with you… you have arrived… at FLAKE TOWN… population… YOU!”

I used to hate it when a girl flaked. I would meet a girl that I liked, get her number, and possibly even setup a bridge to see her again. I would go home thinking about her, and I would be happy that I met this cute girl. I might even be impressed with myself at how well everything went, how I did everything right, and how this girl now likes me! Then I would get all excited about seeing her, call her up, and…and… wait for it… and she wouldn’t be the same girl on the phone.

Her energy would be low, she sounded uninterested, she didn’t know who I was, and asked who was calling. Perhaps she would rush me off the phone because she was at work, or driving somewhere, or just plain busy, or was lost in a cave being hunted by wolves, and her phone was about to cut ou.. CLICK! Other times I would just get voicemail, and never hear back, even after I left too many messages, haha. How did I feel? Deflated.. Worthless.. Sad.

Somewhere along the way something clicked for me, and I discovered what makes girls flake, or more accurately what to do differently so that they rarely flake on me. In my situation I was generating attraction, and at the point in time when I met the girl she was really into me. However, we never really connected in comfort, or in ‘friendship’ after that.

Her initial interest would fade rapidly. In the brief time that would transpire from meeting me, to hearing from me again she would undoubtedly meet other guys that she was equally or more attracted to. Those guys may have been funnier, better looking, wealthier, had better game, or been more memorable for other reasons. What lost me those women was the lack of any kind of real and genuine connection.

So if you find that women are often flaking on you, then you might want to develop your ability to connect and build comfort with her, and you should be doing that right after the initial flirtatious attraction has taken place.

If you want me to go into detail on how to move things along in comfort, with specific examples then please post comments. If there is enough interest then I may elaborate on this topic.

In this article I hope that you have learnt to stop SADucing, and now realize that attraction takes place quickly, while comfort and friendship is a longer process that requires you to be a genuine human being. For many people becoming the type of man that women love being around is a process that takes time. To minimise girls flaking on you, she actually needs to get to know you on a deeper level, then she will feel compelled to see you again.

It takes time to get this stuff, but it is well worth it, and my philosophy on life is that anything of value takes effort, and most often persistence. If you enjoyed this article then please visit me at www.askjdog.com where I post free video lessons, and answer questions. Cheers.. JDOG!

Related posts:

1. 10 Great Comfort Tips
2. How To Be More Interesting